I Have a Goal

My initial goal when I started this journey was to lose 10% of my starting body weight. My physician told me the benefits of losing this 10% would really be noticable. It's possible once my initial goal is reached I won't have to take blood pressure medicine anymore and the risk of Type II diabetes is significantly reduced.

Well, I'm within 3 lbs of my initial 10% goal. I'm excited. And it's true, there are some noticable effects of losing 39lbs. The one thing I notice the most is that I have no swelling in my feet. Usually this time of year I have my feet all wrapped up to prevent them from swelling at night. When the weather starts changing they usually start blowing up like balloons, but so far I've experienced no swelling. Secondly, I'm actually am noticing that my clothes fit differently. Not a lot, but just enough to keep me motivated. My favorite pair of jeans earlier this year I would keep having to sew the seams that kept coming out. I haven't had to sew them up again since February and now they actually have a little give. Yay!

So, now that I'm in reach of reaching my first goal, I've started thinking about what goals will come next. I have two goals that I would like to reach THIS YEAR! While it seems like a lot, these are totally obtainable goals and I look forward to reaching my current goal so I can start working on these others.

1. Start Fresh. I'll need to lose another 10% this year. It's still a big number, but not impossible. While remembering my previous weight loss this year, I need to focus like I'm starting all over.

2. Reach the weight I actually have listed on my Drivers License. I hate being a liar. It was correct once, but I haven't updated it. It's lying by omission.

As always, I'll keep you posted on my progress. I need all the encouragement I can get.

My Confession

I'm overweight. I over eat. I'm terrible with portion sizes and it wasn't until recently I've stopped supersizing every extra value meal I purchased. I'm overweight because I eat the wrong foods thus the extra value meals. I'm overweight because when I'm sad, I eat. When I'm happy I eat, when I entertain I eat, when I'm bored I eat. I'm fat because most days I just don't care and other days I care too much. When I care to much, I get depressed and then I eat.


I'm overweight because I'm scared to be myself so I hide behind the one thing that makes me the most miserable.


I'm scared I'll always be alone, but I'm also scared to be in a relationship if it's going to be like the one my mother had with my father. I'm scared that if I lose weight I won't be the same person my friends like and we won't be friends anymore and I really love my friends a lot. They've really helped me through some really rough situations.

Is there any kind of guarantee that when it's all done all still be me only better? I hope so. I'm on a mission to find out. I'll keep you posted.

April

I'm Sorry

Dear Friends and Family,



I'm sorry I don't fit the role you thought I would in your life. I'm not perfect, nor will I claim to be.



I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable going out in public places with me because you're embarrased of what others might think. I'm sorry that when strangers mention my weight in public you're defensive and put on a mad front when they've only said out loud what you've said in your head a thousand times.



I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter, sister, or friend.



I'm sorry I'm not like my sisters. They're pretty, beautiful and thin(ner).



I'm sorry I got the crappy genes including those you've passed to me.



I'm sorry that we can disagree with out you resorting to name calling. Have I mentioned I love being called a "FAT BITCH"?



I'm sorry I'm not pretty or smart or have a job that pays me what I deserve.



I'm sorry I'm not as disciplined or driven to drop the pounds as you think I should be.



I think most of all, I'm sorry that I'm sorry because I shouldn't be sorry at all.



I am me. I'll always be me. Whether you choose to accept me for who I am or not, I will not lose weight just to make me fit better into your life. When I choose to lose weight, it will be because I truly want to not because I think YOU want me to.

Obsession

Yesterday, a friend of mine and I were discussing things that fat people see differently than the average population.

With a little help from my friend, I've compiled the top 10 list of things a Fat person won't do without obsessing over it.

10. Amusement parks.

• If we go, we're bored. The rides haves weight limits and we don't want to be the ones that break them.

9. Swimming Pools

• While personally, I will do this, it's generally when the pool is unoccupied. Getting out of the pool is more embarrassing the getting in. The wet clothes stick to you.

8. Bridges,

• I'm sure the overlook is beautiful and I'd really like to see it. The idea of plummeting hundreds of feet to my smashing death is well. . .petrifying.

7. Movie Theatres

• Does the theatre have stadium seating? The arms generally come up for stadium seating and I really don't want to get stuck. Last time I lost a chunk of my pants.

6. Car Shopping

• Is there tilt wheel? Telescoping wheel? How far do the seats go back? Can I still reach the pedals? Don't buy a truck. Apparently, from the bumper stickers circulating "Fat Girls Can't Climb"

5. Clothes Shopping

• If a skinny person thinks buying clothes to fit is difficult try being fat. You can't find clothes that really fit if you're over 200lbs. If you're more than 250lb, you may as well call the tent factory. The clothes are ugly, made with crappy fabric, or special order only.

4. Chairs

• As if the fold up camping chairs weren't bad enough, try the $10 plastic backyard patio chairs from the discount stores.

3. Airplanes

• You have to purchase the seat next to you. The arms may come down, but every passenger has approached to desk specifically asking to be moved if they're in the seat next to you. (Just a tip, if you're only buying one ticket book a window near the back, if someone wants to buy a middle seat they'll do it near the front.)

2. Gym Memberships

• It's not easy being the fat girl working out in a gym full of Barbie Dolls.

1. Doctor Appointments

• "How do you feel about your weight?" - "Well sir, I feel pretty good. Can I have another cheeseburger" Seriously? Does anyone like being fat? I know sometimes there's some psychological reasons people are overweight, I don't think anyone really enjoys being fat.

Until next time. . .

It's a Weight Watchers Friday!

Happy Friday!

As I mentioned on my previous post, my most important goal for the weekend was to attend a Weight Watchers meeting. Great News! Mission accomplished. While these ladies at my meeting today are not the same ladies that I joined with a couple of years ago, they are fantastic women striving for the same common goal!

My weigh in today was okay. I lost 29.3 pounds since joining initially two years ago. Keeping in mind I haven't really worked this program for several months, I feel pretty good about this number. I have 13.5 pounds left before I reach my first 10% goal. Wish me luck. I need all the encouragement I can get.

I'm moving on to my next goal. Finding a good walking path or group. If I find a good one, I will share the location. :)

Good Morning!

I woke up feeling quite well this morning. This sun is shining, the baby slept pretty good last night and also slept while I showered this morning. Best yet, when I dropped him off at daycare this morning, he didn't shed a tear.

I arrived at work early this morning, my normal desk was available and yet I felt so good, I decided to sit somewhere else. Mostly because the girl that sits next to me that I talk to during the day had her seat snatched this morning. She doesn't know yet.

My little sister was supposed to get married tomorrow (a small wedding at the courthouse) so I had taken the day of to be present, but her Grandfather died on Tuesday so they're getting married to day. My entire family (except me) is headed to Chicago for the funeral as soon as my sister's nuptials are completed.

In light of my four day weekend, there's a lot I'd like to accomplish. The first thing on my TO DO list is attend a Weight Watchers (WW) meeting. I don't like the crash diets people have recommended to me and WW has worked for me in the past. It's been a couple of years since I've last attended one of these meetings, but this is something I'm going to have to do if I want my weight loss plans to be successful. As you can see from my previous post, I don't do so well on my own.

The second thing on my TO DO list this morning is to find a great walking path or see if there are any walking groups in my area. If there's not a walking group, maybe I can create one. I need to excercise and like a lot of people these days, I work on a really tight budget.

Today, I feel optimistic about my plans for the future. With a little discipline and support from friends, family, and this blog. I can see a heathier, happier me in the future.

May 13, 2009 - My First Posting

This is my first blog. To warn you, my thoughts are spuratic and it's been 10 years since I've attended any English and Grammer class.

Since this is my first post, let me introduce myself. My name is April. I live just north of Denver, Colorado also known as the Mile High City. We're the home of the Denver Broncos, Colorado Rockies, Denver Nuggets and the Avalance. I'm an overweight woman who's decided to try blogging as a form of a daily journaling. Maybe some people will be able to relate or maybe I'm just as crazy as my ex-boyfriends told me.

I start my day with the intention of staying within my daily caloric intake. I try not to eat things with excess fat, try increasing my fiber and water intake. Today was not one of those days. I woke up hungry. Rather to eating my Multi Grain Cheerios, I sprung for the bowl of POPS instead. Not a small bowl either. I am anticipating my sugar crash coming soon.

I arrived at work full of hope that today would be better than yesterday. Only to arrive and have someone other than myself sitting at my desk. My mood shifted quickly. I headed off to the breakroom to get my beverage. Instead of choosing water I opted for the Mountain Dew. I need to focus and make better decisions for my day.

I'll let you know later how it turns out.